Marriage Dynamics – Homework Part I

February 20th, 2007

Marriage Dynamics – Homework Part I

The Three Stages of Marriage
#1: Intimacy

Intimacy (noun):

• Close or warm friendship
• A feeling of being intimate and belonging together

Book defines as:

• Each meeting the other’s needs
• Each avoiding causing unhappiness to the other

#2: Conflict

Conflict (noun):

• A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or interests; a clash.
• A state of opposition between persons or ideas or interests.
• A disagreement or argument about something important.

Book defines as:

• Not meeting the other’s needs
• One or both causing unhappiness in the other

A love buster is: something that causes a person to lose good feelings toward another and take on negative feelings about that person.

#3: Withdrawal

Withdrawal (noun):

• Avoiding emotional involvement
• Detachment, as from social or emotional involvement

Book defines as:

• A stage where intimacy is abandoned and;
• Where one of the two wants “out”, seeking a relationship elsewhere
  

1st Samuel 25:1-44
Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him; and they buried him at his home in Ramah.

Then David moved down into the Desert of Maon. A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife's name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Calebite, was surly and mean in his dealings.

While David was in the desert, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, "Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: 'Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!

"'Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my young men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.'"

When David's men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David's name. Then they waited.

Nabal answered David's servants, "Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?"

David's men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men, "Put on your swords!" So they put on their swords, and David put on his. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies.

One of the servants told Nabal's wife Abigail: "David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him."

Abigail lost no time. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, "Go on ahead; I'll follow you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. David had just said, "It's been useless—all my watching over this fellow's property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!"

When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground. She fell at his feet and said: "My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name is Fool, and folly goes with him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent.

"Now since the LORD has kept you, my master, from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, may your enemies and all who intend to harm my master be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my master, be given to the men who follow you. Please forgive your servant's offense, for the LORD will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my master, because he fights the LORD's battles. Let no wrongdoing be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my master will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the LORD your God. But the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the LORD has done for my master every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him leader over Israel, my master will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the LORD has brought my master success, remember your servant."

David said to Abigail, "Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak."

Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, "Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request."

When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing until daybreak. Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.

When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Praise be to the LORD, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head."

Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife. His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, "David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife."

She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, "Here is your maidservant, ready to serve you and wash the feet of my master's servants." Abigail quickly got on a donkey and, attended by her five maids, went with David's messengers and became his wife. David had also married Ahinoam of Jezreel, and they both were his wives. But Saul had given his daughter Michal, David's wife, to Paltiel son of Laish, who was from Gallim.

Briefly describe how the “Love Bank” concept applies to the relationship of David and Abigail in 1st Samuel 25.

I see that Abigail lifted up David and encouraged him. David did the same for Abigail. They really brought each other up and to shine, especially in a difficult situation. Abigail was in a scary situation and David was angry and could have been short sighted. If it wasn’t for the compliments from Abigail and visa-versa, the two would probably not be married.

Ephesians 5:31-33
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1st Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

How can the principles in these passages help me build intimacy in my marriage?

These principles, I think, are to have me focus on my wife instead of myself, to put her needs before mine.

2nd Samuel 6:16-23
As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.

They brought the ark of the LORD and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the LORD. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD Almighty. Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!"

David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD's people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor."

And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

How did their interaction make withdrawals from their “Love Bank”?

I guess the last two full paragraphs is the focal point, the conversation. Although, her despising him in her heart is a take-away from the love bank right away… Michal calls him “vulgar”. David’s actions displeased her and her language displeased him. I am sure, by her having no children, was by no accident. The relationship ended up in a “withdrawal” status in the end.

The War With - Part III

February 16th, 2007

The War Within – Part III

I think at this point, I need to start expounding on the points of the right and wrong. Here’s what I said previously:

I can make decisions to do wrong:

• I can create actions to feed those decisions.
• If I want to do wrong, I can and sometimes will go out of my way to make it happen.
• I can tear down road blocks so that when I want to do wrong, it isn’t as difficult.
• I can put people in my life to reinforce my wrongful decisions.

I can make decisions to do right:

• I can create actions to feed those decisions.
• If I want to do right, I can and sometimes should go out of my way to make it happen.
• I can put up road blocks so that when I want to do wrong, it is difficult.
• I can put people in my life to reinforce my rightful actions, should I need encouragement.

How is this whole war set up? It’s not as easy as it sounds. There’s a part that wants to do the right thing, and a part that wants to do the wrong thing. Both fight each other within me, you, everyone really and it influences the decisions that are made on a weekly, daily, even a minute by minute basis.

Romans 7:11-25 (NIV)
What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet." But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.

For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

You know, I’ve had this passage “pounded” into me at CR. And I’ve CR grads say that they can recite this passage. And they say it with a glossed look in their eye… and that is unfortunate, because it is the Bible. The Bible is the Bible. And even though I have, regrettably been at one point in my life one of the guilty ones with the very same look, I have heard and read this passage “a million times”. I still need it a million more.

Romans 7:11-25 (NCV)
Sin found a way to fool me by using the command to make me die. So the law is holy, and the command is holy and right and good. Does this mean that something that is good brought death to me? No! Sin used something that is good to bring death to me. This happened so that I could see what sin is really like; the command was used to show that sin is very evil. We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not spiritual since sin rules me as if I were its slave. I do not understand the things I do. I do not do what I want to do, and I do the things I hate. And if I do not want to do the hated things I do, that means I agree that the law is good. But I am not really the one who is doing these hated things; it is sin living in me that does them. Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me -- I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is earthly and sinful. I want to do the things that are good, but I do not do them. I do not do the good things I want to do, but I do the bad things I do not want to do. So if I do things I do not want to do, then I am not the one doing them. It is sin living in me that does those things. So I have learned this rule: When I want to do good, evil is there with me. In my mind, I am happy with God's law. But I see another law working in my body, which makes war against the law that my mind accepts. That other law working in my body is the law of sin, and it makes me its prisoner. What a miserable man I am! Who will save me from this body that brings me death? I thank God for saving me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So in my mind I am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful self I am a slave to the law of sin.

I totally dig this translation. I find switching between the NIV and NCV, I can really get a good feel for what the scripture is saying. And if I want to see it for myself, I can go to the Greek and Hebrew dictionaries and come up with my own conclusions, but I do not always have the time for that type of study.

With sin, there is a slave and master relationship. If I am a slave to sin, then sin becomes the master over me. It rules me. Genesis 4, it says that I should rule over sin. That is the type of relationship God wants me to have with sin, with me ruling over the relationship with sin, not the other way around.

What comes into play at the end of the passage, Christ comes to rescue me from sin. He frees me from the bondage. Now that I am free, it doesn’t mean that temptation will be gone, it doesn’t say that at all, but in fact it says that despite wanting to do good things, the body is wanting to do the bad things. It is a power struggle with right and wrong. It says that temptation will be there. Temptation and struggles will come, probably in all shapes and sizes. And when will the temptations come? Isn’t that just a brilliant question… I’d like to know, for sure.

Anyway, I’ll knock down part IV soon. I’m really liking this study. Johnny Out.

The War Within – Part II

February 6th, 2007

The War Within – Part II

The procedure went well. I am in pain, but it is in my back. I will also give a bit of a warning: I am typing under medication and fatigue (which usually happens most of the time anyway… but still) so I may not have a great flow with my words. Any questions, feel free to contact me back, and I will do what I can to answer.

There is a battle between good and evil. It is true. I believe it. And actually, the battle wages within my conscience, within my mind in what decisions I make each day. I recently had this thought and have been rolling it around in my head:

I can make decisions to do wrong:

• I can create actions to feed those decisions.
• If I want to do wrong, I can and sometimes will go out of my way to make it happen.
• I can tear down road blocks so that when I want to do wrong, it isn’t as difficult.
• I can put people in my life to reinforce my wrongful decisions.

Now, check this out.

I can make decisions to do right:

• I can create actions to feed those decisions.
• If I want to do right, I can and sometimes should go out of my way to make it happen.
• I can put up road blocks so that when I want to do wrong, it is difficult.
• I can put people in my life to reinforce my rightful actions, should I need encouragement.

Genesis 4:6-7
Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

Genesis 4:6-7 (JRV)
Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do what is wrong, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

I just made a slight change there… to just put in a “light” that matches more with what I am talking about above. Here is a version of the Bible I have been reading lately. It’s the New Century Version…

Genesis 4:6-7
The Lord asked Cain, "Why are you angry? Why do you look so unhappy? If you do things well, I will accept you, but if you do not do them well, sin is ready to attack you. Sin wants you, but you must rule over it."

So, there has to be a “master” and “rule” over sin. What does that really entail? It may seen straight forward, but sometimes things can get a little jumbled up over time, words misused, thus the dictionary gets a little longer, and before you know it, “gay” went from being happy and having a good time, to being a descriptive of someone’s sex life.

Let’s see… I must master sin.

Master (verb):

• To overcome or defeat.

Now, I must rule over sin.

Rule (verb – used with object):

• To control or direct; exercise dominating power, authority, or influence over; govern.
• To decide or declare judicially or authoritatively; decree.
• To be superior or preeminent in (a specific field or group); dominate by superiority; hold sway over.

This is extremely important. I think the “rule over” knocks it home. Without master, thought the picture wouldn’t be there, either. I have to defeat sin and exercise DOMINATING power over the sin. How does that compare to addiction? Well, I think I will dig more into that later. I’m really feeling “it”, so I’m going to crash. Johnny Out.

The War Within – Part I

February 5th, 2007

The War Within – Part I

I want to first start off talking about Hope. There is one hope: just one. You can hope for a new car, better finances, leg pain to go away, and all of these may seem good and well on the surface. But the thing is, these all have ties back to some worldly issue. They really do. The car just goes without saying. Finances really go into the car, which is worldly possessions. The leg pain, which I suffer from today, maybe not tomorrow, is a little bit trickier. Pain and discomfort cause reliance on something, hopefully on God, but it can lead to reliance on other things, such as drugs, relationships (pure or not so pure and real or not so real), and things that I can not think of right at this moment. I have studied a great deal on hope and I thought I had it figured out until Sunday. Marvin gave a brilliant message and things clicked in my head and pieces of the puzzle began to suddenly fit together in a light I didn’t see before.

There is one hope. To put it in plain English, the hope has to be getting to heaven to be with Christ. If the hope is not that, then it really isn’t a hope with a proper foundation, thus making it a worldly based hope. If I hope that my pain goes away? That would be worldly hope, not Godly hope. If I loose my hope, I am saying I have lost sight in going to heaven.

Psalm 97:2
Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.

Clouds and thick darkness surround him. Darkness is the absence of light and light is considered righteous.

John 11:9-10
Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours of daylight? A man who walks by day will not stumble, for he sees by this world's light. It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light."

1st John 1:5-7
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

There are two lights. One light is the light of the world and the second is the spiritual light, God’s light. The world’s light is a stumbling block, it causes frustration, despair, and it is where arguments are born. God’s light isn’t that way. It is focused on others instead of me. This light shines in a way that wants to have fellowship with one another (that’s what it says). I believe that in Psalm 97:2, the clouds and darkness are the absence of light, and the righteousness and justice happens when the “light is turned on”, per se.

I am going to turn on the light on this study in more detail tomorrow, God willing, after I regain some focus after the “procedure”. Who knows but God if I will feel better and be discomfort free? Johnny Out.