Emotion Study: Affection

Learning to Meet the Need of Affection

This is an area where I need to grow in. I need to grow in it in great abundance. And because of that, I am in study.

Affection is the most important emotional need for many, if not most, women. While it is sometimes among the top five emotional needs of men, it is rarely at the top of the list. That’s why it’s so hard for some men to understand its critical importance to their wives.

In His Needs, Her Needs, chapter 3, I explain this tragic situation and how men can learn to become more affectionate. To illustrate my point, I describe a day in the life of an affectionate husband:

• He hugs and kisses his wife every morning while they are still in bed.
• He tells her that he loves her while they have breakfast together.
• He kisses her before leaving for work.
• He calls her during the day to see how she’s doing.
• He buys her flowers once in a while as a surprise and includes his hand-written note expressing his love for her.
• After work, he calls her before he leaves for home, so that she can know when to expect him.
• When he arrives home from work, he gives her a hug and kiss and spends a few minutes talking to her about how her day went.
• He helps her with the dishes after dinner.
• He hugs and kisses her in bed before they go to sleep.

I’ve heard people complain that once affection becomes mechanical, or habitual, it loses its meaning. If it’s not spontaneous, it doesn’t reflect the deep feelings of affection. My answer to that complaint is that if you wait for spontaneity, you’ll be waiting most of your lifetime, especially if your spouse doesn’t share your intense need for affection.

Our behavior is not very spontaneous; it’s essentially habitual. Most of what we do, we repeat again and again. We have limited information-processing capability, and our brains turn most of our behavior into habits so that we can devote our attention to emergencies and new situations. This is what makes our brains efficient. If we had to think about everything we did, we’d need brains the size of houses!

If your spouse needs affection, get used to the idea that you’ll have to learn habits of affection. If they seem boring or mechanical to your spouse, the truth is that you’ve failed to develop the habits that actually meet her needs for affection. Learning to develop the correct habits of affection requires knowing something about your spouse’s reaction to your affectionate habits.

Once you have identified affectionate habits that your spouse would like you to create and others that you should avoid, decide on a plan that will help you form desirable habits and avoid undesirable ones.

Affection (noun):

• Synonyms: liking, friendliness, amity, fondness, friendship, love, devotion, loyalty.
• Fond attachment, devotion, or love.
• A tender feeling toward another; fondness.
• A positive feeling of liking.
• A settled good will; kind feeling; love; zealous or tender attachment.
• The condition of being closely tied to another by affection or faith.

Deuteronomy 10:14-16
To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. Yet the LORD set his affection on your forefathers and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations, as it is today. Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer.

God shows affection. If God is affection, then I should be affectionate. And trust me, I need to learn how to be affectionate.

I think the counter is a bit bright. I will have to dump it and change it around for tomorrow. Johnny Out.

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