March 27th, 2006
Yesterday was a dark day for me. I don’t name peoples names in these posting anymore… to protect all those involved, whether they did good, bad or indifferent. But yesterday, I realized that I am, in fact, selfish. Selfish can be defined as being concerned chiefly or only with oneself. And when it comes to my walk with God, I do admit that I can be quite selfish with that… I try to protect myself as much as I can from struggles. I don’t like to set myself up for failure. I am selfish… I get concerned with myself when I see a situation that could present itself as a problem. Lately, I’ve seen a concern due to my struggles with alcohol. I have found myself walking down the “beer” isle at the store. So when a dinner party that was going to have alcohol, I asked that since my recent struggles to not have alcohol present. I brought forth this scripture:
Romans 14:19-21
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
I was called weak and uncaring due to my struggle.
Romans 14:1-4
Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
I was also told that I was condemning them for having alcohol. I don’t see that I was but I am sorry for making them feel that way. I don’t mind them having alcohol when I am away, I simply begged that they don’t do drink when others who struggle with such things are present. People such as me look to them for comfort in times of despair. And when we do not find support from them, it is harder to stand strong when we are alone. And when faced with a trial and a simple request to not have alcohol for a mere few hours, they couldn’t do that. They choose alcohol over me. And that is their decision and they have to live with that.
Condemn (verb):
- Express strong disapproval of.
I just checked the definition of condemn (above), and to be honest, I wasn’t disapproving their use of alcohol. I didn’t even think she was an addict until I asked a question that went unanswered. I was completely shocked by her response. And then from there, she confirmed what other people were saying (and that is why I don’t like gossip, it tears people down instead of building people up).
It takes two people to have an argument. Yesterday, I was one of those two. I did not react in a humble manner. I did not stay focused on the issue at hand. We bounced around from one thing to another and I, for one, did not take an adult attitude and stay civil. I did not show common respect toward them. And even though I do love them, I did not show that. I did not speak the truth in love. Respect is a courteous regard for people's feelings. I can look back to yesterday’s skirmish and see that my approach was in due error.
1st Peter 2:13-17
Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
The bible says that I should show proper respect to everyone. It doesn’t say show proper respect unless you are not shown any. I didn’t take the higher road yesterday. It takes two people to have a fight.
Luke 6:37-38
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
I condemned. I judged. And I am wrong for my actions. Last night at the party, I am sure that I was a hot topic. I am sure that I was roasted in the most wonderful way. I do know that life is too short to worry about what was said and done at times that I was not there… I do know that worrying does do anything good for the body. I had a ulcer in middle school that did me no good simply caused by worrying. I love them. I didn’t like them much at all yesterday. God loves me. He loves me irregardless of what I do. I love them irregardless of what they do. For many people, love is conditional. Yesterday, they felt that since I didn’t approve of their drinking, that I didn’t love them. They felt that my love was conditional. They felt that I didn’t love others… they felt I didn’t love them. They didn’t feel love. I at least loved them enough to tell them what they needed to hear, what others were saying. It wasn’t the way it should have been said. A guilty man flees though no one pursues. It started as though I wasn’t pursuing but as quickly as things escalated, I pursued. My heart was lost and shortly thereafter, friendships were broken. I only hope and pray that bridges were not burned. And that will be their decision.
I opened up to a friend last night about my heart in all that I have been going through. The physical and emotional pain through recent events, including yesterday’s escapade. I opened up about how I struggle with praying for myself. I don’t like praying for myself because I don’t feel worthy of blessings from God. We spoke for more than an hour and I would be a liar to say that I didn’t walk away encouraged. Many don’t know the trials I have been through.
My trials:
- Polyps on my prostate
- Inhesions connecting my stomach to my colon
- Bi-Polar Disorder
- A Torsion
- Diagnosis of a Heart Attack
- Leg pain that will spread all over the body – related to the brain
- Alcoholism
- Drug abuser
- Severe Acid Reflux which led to surgery
And the list can go on and on. I didn’t act like Christ yesterday. I prayed for myself last night. I prayed for many things last night. And I beg of you who read this to pray for me, my health, and for the situation above in hopes that a quick and righteous resolution can be made. Johnny Out.
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