March 23, 2006
I wanted to share what a friend has shared with me… I found it to be good stuff, and he has shared with me over the last two days.
(From two days ago): I can relate. Bipolar runs in my family. I had trouble with it for years. I still am up and down but often it has more to do with my circumstances now.
I can tell you what helped me:
- I read books on becoming healthy emotionally
- I educated my self on emotions
- I confronted my demons, so to speak, and found a lot of the source of my depression
- I worked to forgive others and myself
- I challenged my self-talk and worked to change it - I try not to allow myself to speak to myself in my mind in a negative way
- I chose to look positively at things and when I don't, I correct it
- I read somewhere that the gap between my expectations and reality was where a lot of my depression existed
Those in my family who are clinically depressed have a tendency of negativity. If you look at depression as a bucket filled with sand, pebbles, small rocks and large rocks; I started with the sand (self-talk), pebbles (those things I anesthetize with unhealthy behaviors), small rocks (relationship problems) and finally the large rocks (my expectations of life that were not rational). Attacking the large boulders are difficult because like an onion, you can't tell what is at the heart of depression without removing the layers. CR and journaling started the process but I didn't quit after the journal, I educated myself on emotions and read books on mental health etc. I became discouraged by many of the books I read because they made it sound like all one could do was 'survive' depression. Therefore, I used some of the exercises and ignored the talk that I would be a victim.
I can't say these things will work for you. I am not a doctor and do not understand all the aspects that affect mental disease. I can only speak for me. Not everyone was helpful in attacking my depression. Someone who doesn't understand can often make it worse even though they mean well. All I know is that it is hard but not impossible to over come depression and "feel normal." It takes work, prayer and openness.
I suggest you look at Ten Days to Self Esteem by David Burns. There are helpful exercises to work through problem times. I am not sold on the fact that self esteem is the answer to healthy emotions. The first step is being able to identify what you are feeling! Mad, sad, glad, embarrassed and afraid are good starting points and then you can add to those by looking up different emotions in the dictionary.
(Response from yesterdays): I have been dealing with forgiveness for awhile. This is good stuff.
I heard a good definition of forgiveness: choosing not to hold it against someone any longer...you are not saying its ok what they did; rather, you choose to let it go. For instance, when someone apologizes to another and they say, "Oh, that's ok." Many times it is not ok and we say it out of habit. I forgive you is a better response because hurts and being hurt is not ok.
Another saying I try to use now when I am hurt: I need grace and forgiveness therefore I chose to forgive. It reminds me of my needs from God and takes the focus of my mind off of the offense by seeing my own sin and the need to be forgiven by others and by God.
Well, I find this stuff very educational. I had to correct some words along the way, one word I corrected was anesthetize which means “to induce anesthesia in” or “to make unconscious by means of anesthetic drugs.” I think that may be the correct word, but I am not 100% sure. It seems to fit. I found that being conscious of the depression is a huge help. Being diagnosed bi-polar and having the know-how and knowledge of the signs plus the past experiences of being bi-polar make current episodes of depression an easier experience. I know they will come, albeit, the current experiences are fewer and less severe than those in the past, so when they come, I take for what it is, and move on. They don’t have as much “power” as they used to. I am not sure if it is that I don’t put as much weight into them now as I once did, or if it is that I study deeper into the word more now than I used to or a combination of both… I don’t really know. I do know that whatever it is that I am doing now is much better than what I did (or didn’t do) before. Thank you so much for sharing with me, and in a sense now, sharing with others. It helps, not only me, but everyone who may stumble onto my little blog who may be struggling with depression or bi-polar type symptoms.
Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.
13 "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 "When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20 So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
22 "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.
25 "Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
28 "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31 " 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"
There are two stories in the bible that I thought of today… the story of Job and the story of the son who goes off and squanders everything. Horrible things happened to both people… some would say that the son did it to himself whereas Job was undeserving of what happened to him. Job was tested… Mr. Son (as I now call him) was disobedient. But in a sense, he too was tested. And he came back. Mr. Son takes his inheritance goes off to some crazy foreign land… let’s call it Amsterdam (1/4th of that city is said to be a “red light” district). So, Mr. Son is chilling out in Amsterdam and spends his money on alcohol and women – and then it happens, he opens his wallet and finds the proverbial dead moth and pocket lint. Over this time, he had picked up a girl-friend, but when the money ran out, so did she. He caught some STD while floundering around and the management job that he had was lost when he kept calling in sick from a hangover. So Mr. Son had to take a job as a sewer cleaner making six dollars an hour plus tips (which don’t happen in his line of work). And as he went into peoples houses to fix their sewers, he noticed the McDonald’s French fries that were stale and cold on the people’s counters and longed to eat just a few… and then he realizes… hey, I could go back to Cali where the homies are at and chill with them and get Steak Fries that are hot. Mr. Son gets on his humble horse and makes the journey home. He thinks he won’t be accepted. He doesn’t think he was even missed… the reality is when he got home, his father comes running up to his son screaming “Hallelujah, hallelujah, he came back!” His friends all rush over to him to greet him, hug him, and rejoice at the renewing of the friendship.
The son didn’t come back for the glory. He came back for help. He came back knowing that the place he was at wasn’t a good place to be. He came back because he knew that one can get cold alone on a winter’s day, but with family, there is always a sense of warmth, even on the darkest of days. Mr. Son was infected with a disease, he lost his friends (a word used loosely, due to they were fair-weather friends), and he lost stature. It started when he deserted those he knew. And the dominos began to fall… In my mind, Mr. Son is simply a sinner who gave up the fight, for at least a little while, and then went right back into the fight when he realized just how bad he messed up. I’ve played the part of Mr. Son in my life. I’m sure that everyone has at least once. At least to the part of giving up… whether it be in the heart or straight out rebellion, somewhere, sometime, it has happened. I’m just glad to be back in the fight again. Johnny Out.
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